Are you familiar with the sex laws in your state? If not, ya might wanna check them out. You could be breaking the law if you’re having sex in any other position besides missionary, giving or receiving oral sex, or even having sex with the lights on in your bedroom.
Y’all say what ya want about Kentucky, at least we’re allowed to get down and dirty however we please.
Women may not initiate sex while hanging around a pool hall. The only balls getting action in a Bama pool hall are numbered 1-15.
Moose are not allowed to have sex on city streets in Fairbanks. Moose banging in the back yard is fine though.
You can’t have sexual relations with a rodeo clown in an elevator on Tuesday. Rodeo clown sex is better on Wednesdays anyway, duh.
Oral sex is considered sodomy. Oral, not Oval Office sex.
A condom must be worn by anyone having sexual intercourse with Satan. Noted.
Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited in the city of Alamosa.
In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. I’m betting whoever made that law sure loved their football.
Condoms may only be sold by doctors and wholesale druggists.
Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.
All sex toys are banned. No virtual va-jay-jays for you boys.
It’s illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks. This isn’t really sexual but I’m thinking the only sex on the beach they want is served up in a glass.
If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. (Woulda been nice for this to have been on the books in Kentucky my senior year…for my friend, of course.)
Having an erection in public is illegal. I bet that’s hard.
Oral sex is illegal. Mustaches are too if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Husbands aren’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their wives or while holding them in their arms.
Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail.
Dogs may not molest cars in the city of Fort Thomas, which is funny because in a town not too far from there, the mayor is a dog. Yeah, these are my people.
The LA House of Representatives hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law. Under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking “while intending to arouse the desire of minors.” Streaking with only the “intent of arousing sexual desire” brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison.
Condom sellers must be licensed and the license must always be on public display.
It is illegal to give or receive oral sex.
False teeth must be removed during sexual intercourse. They should’ve included foreplay in that one.
Single guys and gals caught in the act of sex can be fined as much as $5,000 and they could be sentenced to as many as five years in prison.
Oral sex is prohibited AND it’s illegal to sleep naked. Damn y’all’s luck.
Shacking up (AKA-living in sin-this is the Bible Belt) with someone instead of marrying them could get you a $500 fine and six months in prison for “adultery or fornication”.
It is a high misdemeanor for a man to force his wife to sell sexual services on the streets.
Missionary style is the only position allowed between a man and a woman. Yikes.
Anal copulation can get you 20 years in the penitentiary. Wonder what the punishment is once you’re in there?
Sex without a condom is considered illegal. Maybe they adopt kids there?
In Kidderville, Lingerie can’t be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the undies are carefully hidden from prying eyes by a suitable screen. A clothesline in an airport? And I’m called a hillbilly because I have one on my front porch.
In Carlsbad, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle unless their car has curtains.
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. Unless you’re breastfeeding, then all hell breaks loose.
A man cannot peep through a window at a woman. However, a woman is allowed to peep into a room occupied by a man. A man may also peep through a window at another man.
In Grand Forks, it’s against the law to not confine a dog or cat in heat. Women, on the other hand, are not required to be.
Anal intercourse is banned in the Queen City (Cincinnati). It’s also illegal for more than five women to live in a house. They may be onto something there.
It is illegal to whisper dirty things in your lover’s ear during sex. Scream those sweet nothings at the top of your lungs.
Oral and anal sex are illegal.
Oral sex is considered abominable, detestable, crime against nature and such activity can land you a 7 to 10 year stretch in the penitentiary.
It is illegal to give or receive oral sex.
Copulation by means of mouth threatens a 10 year prison term.
In Skullbone, a woman cannot pleasure a man while he is sitting behind the wheel of any moving vehicle. Any man that is stopped and found with the front of his pants undone can be fined a minimum of $50 and serve 30 days in jail.
Single adults that are apprehended while having sex are charged with a misdemeanor and given a $500 fine.
Adultery, oral and anal sex, and masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal, unless performed for profit, is NOT considered sodomy.
In Beanville, it’s against the law for a road map to be printed and sold or given away if it contains advertising of a lewd or lascivious nature.
Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any other position than missionary. Prudes.
It’s legal to have sex with an animal, as long as it weighs less than 40 lbs.
In Huntington, Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. Whistling and cat calls are a turn-off for most anyway, good on y’all.
A man may not fire a gun while his partner is having an orgasm. He can shoot a different kind of load though.
It’s against the law to entice, allure, instigate, or help a person under 21 masturbate. The activity is known in legal circles as an act of self-pollution. Alcohol consumption isn’t the only reason folks there look forward to their 21st birthday.
I originally wrote this for livingloving.com.